insatiable desire for beauty.

...King of wonders, you know the way to my heart...

holy moly. being broken in so many ways at once. my heart and my head are in two different places. need to surrender, need to obey, need to pray. need my heart to change. pronto.

Here's what I've been missing for the past 3 months:

1. Good coffee WITHOUT the frantic studying.
2. wine tasting.
3. retail therapy.
4. cooking & serving brunch for family & friends.
5. going to a random hockey game. hahah
6. sleeping in. lounging. watching tv.
7. practicing photography.
8. much-needed pampering.
9. snowboarding.
10. leaving LA for a day. or two. or three. or forever.
11. 10+ years of catching up with a cousin.
12. mailing gifts to my baby niece and nephew.
13. vchatting with soulmates.
14. learning to love people.
15. grocery shopping at wholefood's/trader joe's.
16. baking, packaging, and sharing goodies made from scratch.
17. finishing a good book & watching movies.
18. loving on my small group girls.
19. international (and domestic) flights.
20. lunch dates with my sister.
21. spending time in a bookstore.
22. fine dining with the old roommates.
23. SC football games.
24. captivating love, overwhelming beauty.
25. peace.


November 6 cannot come any sooner.

God, they are so cute.

I love them.

emotionally, mentally, physically DRAINED.
it feels like everything is happening at once and i'm barely holding on to my sanity.
i want to stop thinking. just stop. breathe. take time to enjoy coffee with a friend. talk about life. talk about love. talk about God and all the crazy ways He's answering prayers left and right. talk about the small blessings. the big blessings. the unexpected blessings. the sin. brokenness. fear. insecurities.... everything. just get it off my chest. and. move. on. to greater glory.

greater glory, Lord. You promised.

read this:

http://jaesonma.com/365-days-of-love-day-284-the-5-pillars-of-manhood-how-men-should-love-respect-women/

be still, my soul, be still.

All i want to do is sing for you.

so many DIVINE appointments, it's crazy.
is this how he's teaching me the Lesson of Love??

:D

Even though things are stressful, mundane, busy, I'm excited for the things to come.

His promises are good.
Sunday is going to be the start of heavenly things. :)

I'm learning the lesson of love.
How do I love?

i feel so dry.

i need an outpouring. a deluge.

A man walks into the pharmacy with a prescription for a woman.
He seems nervous.
He tells me the patient just had a baby.
I quickly process the prescription and let him know it'll take about 15 minutes.
He says ok, and sheepishly asks if it's ok for him to go back to the hospital room.
I smile at him and tell him "of course".
He smiles and has this look I can't explain.
Mixed emotions, I'm sure. Pride, joy, maybe even fear of becoming a father.
But that look. I can't forget.
He looked so darn happy, so happy to be able to attend to the new mommy.
He looked so happy.

There's something about a pure heart that is so endearing.

"Pleasing is the fragrance of your perfumes..."
Song of Songs 1:3

RETREAT in a nutshell.

Pray for healing for two students who weren't feeling too well and almost quarantined at the infirmary if their fever didn't go down. I walked them down to the infirmary, reassuring them that God wouldn't let them miss retreat. Then, asked them to pray with me against the enemy's attacks. Low and behold, temperature went down to 98,99 degrees, and they left the infirmary with smiling faces, knowing that it was all in God's plan for them to worship Him.

Same night, I was able to finally see how my profession/calling could be used for His kingdom. Prayer request answered.

Had my own spiritual attack. But, it's alright. i can handle it.

During Small Groups, we met in the cabins and climbed on the top bunks to have a time of sharing. I was so encouraged that my 8th grade girls were willing to open up to each other and me and share their prayer requests. We held hands in one circle and prayed sentence prayers. They pray such simple yet pure prayers and I'm sure that God is pleased. I need to learn how to pray like they do...

Saturday's morning and night worships. I loved seeing the kids jump up and down. Especially the little little kids. it makes me smile and laugh. they are so cute.
Reminded me of all the times we were able to feel the Spirit of Joy worshiping at Kingdoms First or Emmaus/New Philly Retreats. I am blessed to see the same spirit come upon this ministry. :)

Last night, prayed for healing in a student who had a sore throat, so she could praise God with her beautiful voice. Don't know if she actually got healed...

Hugged all my small group girls before leaving... Even through they are all so different, I love each of them to death. they are so cute. During the last small group, I asked them to open up about their scars... I think the only scars that came to their mind were emotional scars related to boys. So, i referred them to Proverbs 4:23. I'm considering making it a memory verse for them. :P

Had a powerful time of prayer with the leaders/TAs. It's a start for greater things to come... I claim it in His name. :)

The drive down was beautiful. open time of sharing with a sister I am so blessed to have met.



What a perfect way to end the summer. i am content.

it amazes me how God has a way of providing the best rest when we need it the most.
i definitely felt the calm, and right away, the chaos is picking up again....

anyways, short time of prayer with everyone made up for the discouragement i've been feeling....

it was what i've been praying for. an opportunity to pray more. to pray with others. to pray with power. to pray for greater compassion and love for the ministry, the students and the teachers alike. for revival. a paradigm shift. a greater meaning to life. a deeper understanding of beauty. an excitement and joy that can only be felt with the slightest touch from the Holy Spirit. a glimpse of heaven. to stand before the throne and praise and worship the Sovereign.

All the prayers that have been sowed into this... was it enough?

i feel like i've been running around in circles the past month. I need to learn how to keep my focus in the midst of all this chaos.

chaos = 7 am IV shifts, studying, op immune meetings/bbms/emails/presentations/errands, brushing up on spanish, friends, spending time with orphans, health fairs, fellowship, smoking cessation sessions, volunteering at clinics, board meetings, church, running, family trip, junior high retreat, job stuff.

i can't wait until i can feel the calm.

i PHYSICALLY FELT the WEIGHT of glory during Sunday service.

GOD IS SO GOOD.

Maple-Oatmeal Scones.

wow wow wow.

God is amazing. He truly answers prayers, but I don't want it to stop here.

I need Him to provide more. MUCH more.  :D

The past couple of days, He's been gently nudging me to be more vulnerable.

To let my guard down. To let people see me beyond the initial facade I have. To talk about my dreams. my visions. my experiences. myself.

And, I'm learning the hard way that... 

I need to pray, but I also need to be prayed for.

I need to heal, but I also need to be healed.

I need to love, but I also need to be loved.

almost done.... it's 12:10 am before my last final, and I've been procrastinating the whole weekend.
.....

there are so many other things to do than "study". like eat the WORD. pray. sing. enjoy the weather. enjoy creation. bask in His glory. make other people happy. pray. pray. pray. and pray.

i can't wait until summer when i'll have time to get my priorities straight.
(and have time to squeeze in gym-time)

it's time to MOVE WITH PRAYER!
hallelujahhhhhh.

i need DISCERNMENT.

My God is a LIVING God.
I still can't fully wrap my head around it. He is a LIVING God.
And here I am, going through the motions of life not really understanding the power behind the fact that my God is a LIVING God.
There's so much power, healing, forgiveness, joy and love in the truth, but what am I doing with it? Absolutely nothing.
I am ashamed at myself.

So again, I humbly ask for forgiveness, and pray for a heart of passion that will move me into unstoppable action. :)

EPIPHANY

I'll admit it. I've been selfish. Really selfish.

Please forgive me.

...through His eyes.

Seeing how busy the past couple of months have been since school started in August,

I don't know how much of the world i'll be seeing in the next four years....

making it seem like the theme of this blog is a little outdated...

but then again, who knows? 

maybe i'll start seeing the ordinary, the mundane, the "normal" things of my own world in a different light. 

maybe i'll have revelations on beauty. creative ideas and doodles. photos i take that aren't too shabby. movies and musicals. recipes that make my mouth water.... 

maybe i'll even start seeing my notes on pulmonary gas exchange as intriguing...

I want more satisfaction, but am i looking in the right places?

no. and i know it.

must. go. back. to. the. cross.

must. fall on my knees. and pray. for my heart to be filled with the greater things in life.

love. compassion. peace. joy. and hunger for more. 

so that I can start seeing the world through HIS eyes  :)